Parking Faux-Pas – How I Got Sweet Revenge

parking

FRIDAY FUNNIES: HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW SOME PEOPLE ‘accidentally’ ding your car door with theirs when they get out of their car? It drives me batty because I treat my cars like the princess chariots that they are.

Just as I exit Whole Foods, a very nice bottle of Chardonnay in hand I spot a shabby, beat up car pulling up in the parking lot next to my Pretty White freshly waxed white chariot. The driver opens her door a crack, careful not to ding mine.

Mighty nice of her, I think, because the parking spots in this lot are minuscule.

The lady hesitates and after scrutinizing my sparkling ride to verify no one is seated inside, she intentionally ‘doors’ my virgin car with a sickening ‘CLONK’  to more easily squeeze her shabby self out of her dusty beater.

Ouch!! My blood runs white hot with horror.

As the Offending Party steps forward I see she’s wearing that blood-curdling angry scowl that makes me want to run like hell. Poor Lady, I think at first and then I give my head a shake. If she can afford to shop at Whole Foods then she’s not a Poor Lady. The moment of compassion for her quickly exits, stage left.

Pig Pen thinks she’s gotten away with her little  caper but  noo-ooo… She looks up and does a double take, I am marching directly toward her, boring little holes in her skull with my steely glare. When she hears the click of my car door unlocking remotely it’s quite apparent… I’ve caught her red-handed committing an epic parking faux-pas.

parkingStopping dead in her tracks and pretending to be very occupied with something buried deep inside her cavernous handbag, she realizes that, oh rats, she’s forgotten something.

Her manners perhaps?

Faux-Pas skulks back to her unloved car and painfully aware she has been busted, she gingerly enters through the passenger side.

I shake it off and go find a cocktail party to bring my Chardonnay to.

parkingConsuela, the sweet Silverado pickup truck I recently had would not have been so forgiving of this ‘dooring’ incident. She was a sturdy chariot and would not have been afraid to dish it right back.

Oh, make no mistake, despite her husky appearance, Consuela was every inch a lady, always shiny clean and perfumed with leather car deodorizer even though there was not a speck of leather in her. A girl can dream, after all.

Okay, there was, in fact another incident not long ago. Same parking lot I might add. Buckle up, here goes…

I’ve just parked Consuela, my pickup in the shade of a big tree at Whole Foods, It’s a very hot day and I am negotiating bathroom tile prices over the phone. We are in mid-renovation and I’ve elected to be our general contractor.

A big black, shiny Mercedes pulls up next to me and as the driver heaves herself out, whoops, she mercilessly bangs poor Consuela’s flanks with her car door. Not just once, but repeatedly. She doesn’t even look first. And when she finally does, she just keeps clonking.

Frozen in disbelief, I just sit there. Until the self-defense factor kicks in.

Boy did Mama get Mean Mercedes back, and how.

Having finishing my tile negotiations I slip along the beige cloth bench seat into the passenger side and do a quick over-the-shoulder check to verify the callous one has found her way into the store. Carefully I slip my hand around the door handle and BAM, BAM, BAM!!!!

I let ’er have it. No mercy.

I know some parking lots are stingy with space but if you need the extra room to exit, find a quiet corner to park in and get some exercise already. Walking is good.

parkingMy new chariot is fast and beautiful but I do miss Consuela. Getting doored with no way to defend myself is more than I bear. Rather than trade in my new Pretty White for a Caterpillar I’ve beat a hasty retreat.  Now I park defensively at the far end of the parking lot, sometimes being that knob who takes two spots.

Guilty as charged.

 

parkingEsmée SJ

P.S. Yes, I know it’s not even Friday. Feels like it though!