Buccaneer Betty and the Kamikaze Cockroach

cockroachFRIDAY FUNNIES: PEOPLE WATCHING is one of my favorite pastimes and as I await my promising breakfast of eggs over easy, sausages and grits at the local Nassau café during our tropical weekend scuba diving jaunt, my eyes are having a veritable field day.

The Bahama Mamas are bodaciously beautiful. They give ‘shake your bootie’ a whole new meaning. Throw any notion of’ skinny is in’ out the window, more is more here and Blue Eyes and I are admiring these these be-bootied ladies confidently sauntering about.

cockroachI am fascinated by a very voluminous local lady outside merrily conversing with various folks. As if I had beckoned her in, she enters the café and starts chatting with a cruise boat tourist, they seem to be already acquainted.

The wait staff all greet her with a warm “hello Betty!” No sooner does she take a seat amongst them than a large omelet with toast and coffee magically appear before her. The usual, of course.

At the table beside us is a well-known handsome British photographer having an animated conversation with the cutest eight year old girl. Maybe his model for today’s photo shoot. I love making up stories about people I’m watching, usually I’m not far off.

cockroach

My back is to Betty and her increasing vocal volume gets the better of me so I turn around to peek. Now voraciously devouring her second omelet and fifth piece of toast, (Blue Eyes has been reporting) bits of grits spew out as she eagerly crams more food into her busy mouth. She is complaining bitterly about her man-friend, apparently he has not been faithful to her and the ‘f’ word slips out. Not just once but with the increasing frequency and vigor of a sailor who’s been out to sea for far too long.

All bets are off and Buccaneer Betty now seems oblivious to the little girl’s presence or anyone’s presence for that matter. Things are heating up.

Now peeking without restraint I am most entertained when a sizable chunk of omelet escapes from her rapidly cursing mouth and lands deep twixt her 52 Double F cups. Not skipping a beat, Buccaneer Betty’s hand disappears in search of the runaway tidbit. Successful in her fishing expedition, she places the morsel back onto the plate for later and licks he fingers.

Our breakfast arrives and my hunger drowns out Betty’s Bahamian barrage, I realize why she is inhaling her food. It is delicious indeed.

cockroach

Fully engrossed now in our own conversation, Blue Eyes is casually waving about a little corner of evil white toast slathered in homemade coconut pineapple jam as he recounts yesterday’s scuba dive shark sightings.

A fleeting dark flash of movement between us catches my eye and a nano-second  later Blue Eyes calmly stops in mid-sentence to flick something off the toast he is holding. Aghast, I realize it is a King Kong sized three inch cockroach that has risked a headfirst plunge from a loose grimy ceiling tile directly above the toast.

With a resounding plonks the Kamikaze Cockroach hits the floor and disappears. I am in admiration, what precision aim and determination just to get a face full of that jam.

Must be good stuff.

We are both now nervously laughing about what would have happened if Blue Eyes had not noticed the juicy jam thieving cockroach before taking his next nibble.

Thank god I am done eating.

cockroachAs our little drama subsides I query, “Um, baby, where did it go?”. “Oh, cockroach under the table legs now” he coolly replies and with a gasp my knees instantly hit the underside of the table as I get my feet the hell off the floor.

Speedily shuffling over one seat, my feet are hovering six inches the floor lest our plump new pet scamper up my leg looking for that piece of sausage I left on plate.

I break into a prickly sweat.

Studying the floor as if my life depended on it, I spot the Kamikaze Cockroach making a run for the next table and the macchiato sipping Italian gent seated there instantly hops to his feet. I can practically hear him thinking… “Madonna, isa my fina calfaskin loafer big enougha to squisha the cockroach or no!?”

cockroachHe courageously rises to the occasion and with a horrifying crunch, it is all over, we are saved.

As my hero heads for the loo to clean his shoe, cucumber cool Blue Eyes glances downward and admits, “I couldn’t do it, I didn’t want that cockroach thing under my flip-flop”.

Our next stop, the beach for a stiff Goombay Smash. We have officially lost our cool, but not our breakfast.

Yohoho and bottle of rrrrum….

 

cockroachEsmée SJ